I’ve been meaning to write my feelings and thoughts and the to make sense of it all
I kept trying to make the perfect scenario to write
Notebook, hot chocolate, a nice playlist and Alfie purring at my side
But with work and the chores on my day off
There’s no time
There’s no time to make things perfect
So I’m back to write here on my OneNote
I feel bad for not keeping up connections
Hopefully they forgive me
My life has been flipped around and like the loyal crow
I tend to favor the present shiny object in front of me
I’m happy I have great coworkers but it hurts a bit that I can’t keep up my old friendships
Alison will be okay
Tatiana will be okay
I hope Samaria will be okay
I miss them but showing up now will feel like a disservice from the kindness they have shown me
I don’t know
Being alive is hard sometimes
How can people balance so many moving pieces at once
Work home social personal
It’s too much for someone like me
I dream about living in my own place with my own rules but will I be able to survive?
I need to get out more and make community in cozy Columbus but it feels like I don’t have the time to put effort
I need to work at work
I need to work on finding a job to stabilize my footing in the soft snow that I’ve stepped into
I need to work on keeping myself stable
I’ve been in similarly stressful predicaments and have had my siblings and parents helping me
But the help feels pathetic
I don’t feel like I deserve it
I just take and take and take
What do I give back to them?
Endless talking and a messy environment
Am I no better than the friends I used to have?
It’s dark to think about
I’m trying my best
Taking the bus here and there, figuring out how to keep myself sane and safe with the bit of money I have
Keeping Alfie healthy and happy as much as I can
I keep having nightmares of people from deep in my past and celebrities I follow
I feel so out of place even in my own head
Sometimes I feel stable then I’m crying alone in my bed
I’ll figure it out, I’ve always have
dreamscape 