It was like lightning shooting through my heart when I first saw you,
Round eyes, cute nose and that cheek length hair that would give 90s heartthrobs a run for their money
You were cute, but I didn’t know your age, thinking you were younger
The girls talked about you, the cute, young guy that I should try to talk to but I brushed them off
You were young, I didn’t know that we were the same age, I was just a couple months older
But you were lightyears ahead of me in experience
Your own car, girlfriends, trips with friends
You were out of my league and I fell hard
You were a rebound, so to speak
A person I crushed on since you helped me at work and gave me kind smiles and helped me get over an obsessive celebrity crush
Obsession turning to you instead
I dressed cuter- more dresses, more skirts to impress you
You didn’t look my way, preferring older women like my, our coworkers
I told you I liked you, you knew (I’m not subtle), and was flattered
We called it even and stayed normal
But I got worse
Much more worse
Stress and life became too much and I kept getting more and more obsessed
You were a ticket out of this hell hole my life became, but I rode a different type of train
It was sudden when you told me you were interested in me the next year
Those stretches and asking me questions as I filed were just ways so you can look, gawk at my form
Back then it made me feel desired,
Finally, I had thought, a man, a true man that I found attractive liked me back
Or so I thought
It was lust
Pure lust that I was too blind by to make it stop
The late night texts, pictures, videos, glances in the hallway, touching me softly, pinning me to your desk
It was exhilarating
I wanted more
Needed more from you
Day after day we planned to meet up, just once
One kiss, one bite, one time
We failed
I apologized
You got over it, we tried later
I got too drunk and I loved it and I loved you
But did I? Or was I finally satisfied with being pinned under your form?
In my drunken state, I knew this was for pleasure, pure lust, but I was hoping, praying to a god that I didn’t believe in, that you would love me back
I was stupid
It was stupid
I was stupid
It was weird after, we cut ties
Talked a bit,
You would text me if I was busy, your code for let’s fuck tonight
I played into it thinking I had you wrapped around my finger
But I was around yours
You never liked me
You used me
You never cared about me past friends, past acquaintances, past coworkers
I was just another fuck but I couldn’t get over it
It makes sense now, you were many of my firsts
My first kiss, make out session, sexual partner
You helped me be more confident in myself which I still struggle with
Sometimes I wonder if you still want to meet again but you’ve hurt me so much that I’d rather die than be in a car with you again
But I also hurt myself,
I knew you didn’t like me that way and I fell into a belief that if I tried enough, maybe one day you would love me
If I didn’t work hard for it, did I really deserve it?
I want to print a million copies of this, spread it all over your office and in your car so you know the pain of what you did to me
But I did this to myself, I knew it and still did it because it was one thing just for me
I just want to be loved, for once, to be someone’s first choice
I was stupid but I know better now
I was stupid but I’m getting smarter every day
I was stupid but I’m going to find someone who loves me for me
I’m lucky it wasn’t you
-see you until next time we pass in the hallway,
Mariely
dreamscape 