Can’t believe you.
Why did you take so long?
This sucks.
A girl needs her dad.
But also I felt more of your parent than your kid.
All it takes for me is to be home sick in be for you to call.
I’m not home most of the time because I don’t like it there.
One job to another and right back to the first.
I’m still surprised I haven’t cracked under the pressure.
I see your calls but it’ll just be the same bullshit with “thank you for taking care of mom and the house and myself,
That I’m sorry that I had to leave you behind without teaching you anything.
I don’t wait praise,
I don’t want apologies,
I want retribution,
I want revenge.
I want to be the king,
Not a servant.
I don’t want resentment,
I want revenge.
I can finish the job you started,
But I only start fights, never finish them.
And that’s what makes us different.
He’s calling, I pick up,
I’m upset, he consoles me.
Hours are not compatible at all,
Knows that I have a life and feels regret that he can’t be here by my side and can’t tell me things since communication is monitored.
Knows that I’ll be able to truck along and live my life.
Wishes that he was with me for the past two years.
Misses the old times,
Has to wait to see me again.
Is he crying?
I panic.
I’ve never heard him cry.
(He’s not an emotional crying person, he gets angry, it comes as a shock for me.
I stay silent and listen to him ask for forgiveness which I grant him, of course, because as dark as it sounds, I would’ve done the same.
I am my father’s daughter, brimming with anger and a knack for manipulation.)
This hurts me.
(I hate hearing sad people, I don’t know how to comfort and, in turn, I also become sad, an emotional sponge,
A mirror’s reflection.)
He is thankful and hopes to cherish my freedom out here.
He is happy that I’ve been growing as a person but feels regret and pain that he hasn’t been with me.
He works from 1pm-9pm and we can’t coordinate call times since I’m in bed by 9 to fall asleep by 10.
He talks to Mami a lot and he always asking about us, his kids, how we are, how we’ve been, what we’re doing.
This hurts.
(I feel bad for not picking up his calls, isolation can drive a man mad; I know that feeling well. I want to tell him everything in my life but it’s hard when it’s just a voice, I want him to see my bright smile and the items I’ve bought and made, and see his smile too.)
We talked about how I got sick, doctor’s checkups, and getting a blood test and going to the dentist consistently are very important especially now since I’m still young.
(The fatherly care I missed, it’s hard to take care of oneself when it feels like the world will just throw another curveball, another self-care task offloaded to make space for something that can benefit the majority.)
Reminiscing over the past
(I missed his voice, truly, I’m thankful that I can still remember his hand in mine and his smile. I don’t have many photos of him since we’re not a “take photos of people in everyday life” type of family but it’s melancholic when I see the photos of him in the past. Black hair turning gray, trademark thumbs up smiling since someone he loves is on the other side of the camera.)
He’ll be moved to a facility where I can visit.
He apologizing again.
(we’re past the point of verbal apologies, I just want him back, that’s all I need.)
dreamscape 