Hi honey,
You’re so small and precious.
I’m sorry that mom put so much pressure on you when you were younger. I wish you had more days of being a real kid, instead of basically working a Monday through Friday both at school and “work”, having to be the translator from Spanish to English and cultural norms. You deserved more days playing in the park, eating all the ice cream and playing Nintendogs than having to sit in cold offices having to explain that “yes, I am a kid” and “yes, thank you, I am very smart for my age,”. You were there to help, just tell you what to tell Mom, Dad, Abuela, Abuelo , Tio, Tia because they can’t help themselves, that’s why you were there instead of a roller rink, pool, or an amusement park.
You deserved to have your childhood free of mom and dad fighting, having to be the sacrificial lamb to mom’s sobbing and dad’s screaming. You shouldn’t have been the one to comfort her. You shouldn’t have to see your sister, the one who you never saw cry, break down in front of you when Dad hit her.
You shouldn’t have been the one to stand up to your dad who towered over your small stature. You shouldn’t have been the one to declare yourself as the hero since the hero in your eyes turned out to be a villain.
You were a kid, a kid who was taught to fill in documents online at the ripe age of 10 and learning about the internet and all its dark secrets. You shouldn’t have learned what pornography was and how to stand clear of it, you shouldn’t have known what passwords controlled your parents bank account, you shouldn’t have known to not to talk to strangers on the internet, so young and naïve, thankfully, you didn’t become another statistic. You should’ve been playing your dress up games and watched your Pokémon videos for a set amount of time instead of spending 8am to 8pm on the computer since Mom and Dad thought “well, she’s entertained and out of our hair“. You should’ve had more family adventures throughout middle school and high school because you deserved to be surrounded by family, instead of lines and shapes on a screen.
You learned about the dark underbelly of society instead of just learning about multiplication and biology. You should’ve been more shielded by society’s wrongs instead of other people like what Mom and Dad did. Laughing and smiling with your two missing teeth, just like a kid, instead of wondering if I would have to get braces that my family couldn’t afford. I want to get you all the Lalaloopsy and Monster High dolls that you wanted but in the back of your mind knew that it would burn a hole in your Mom and Dad’s pocket. I wish that I could have protected you from every bad thing you went through, to get you out of that bad home and distract you with cotton candy and balloons, so you wouldn’t have to experience a bad childhood. I want to take you on the adventures that they never did, I wish I could comfort and hold you when you’re sad like Mom never did, to tell you that I’m happy and thankful that you’re alive and that you aren’t and will never be a waste of space. You are so kind and smart and so good. You’re just a baby, and you deserved to be a real kid instead of a personal secretary, translator, and bank.
You weren’t and are not overly sensitive or a crybaby, you were just a kid surrounded by emotionally stunted adults. I know you ended up having to hide your emotions to not get called a crybaby but that ended up being more harmful than good, but I’m here to say that you can be yourself with me. I’m here with open arms and kind words to help you through the confusing emotions of life. I’m here and will always be here for you.
Please know that you will find people who understand and care for you and that they will turn into your second family, loving and understanding more than your blood family ever will. They will be kind but forceful, finally giving you that structure you should’ve had growing up. They will be funny but at times hurt your feelings, but unlike your family, you can sit down with them and be able to talk through the fights, instead of screaming matches with whoever is louder or breaks the most wins. They will be your backbone.
Thank you for being such a strong little girl and I’m so proud of you for being able to get through it, albeit with a few scratches and scars. I’m here to help heal them, one step at a time.
I love you very much,
Mariely ❤
dreamscape 