“How are you, emotionally?”
I would like to say that I’m okay, I’m doing well, my anxiousness hasn’t acted up and I haven’t been depressed in a while. Been getting enough sleep and eating enough. Made friends with people who are like us but I don’t see them that often, only twice a week. Classes are easy, for now, lengths justified by subject matter. Figurative drawing and design classes going on for hours only feeling like minutes and general classes passing by in the blink of an eye.
I’m not afraid of people like I used to be, terrified if they hated me. I initiate conversations about class, creating trust and familiarity, not like before when I stayed behind, listening in.
I’m more confident knowing no one from my past will find me. I’m more confident knowing that a nerd like me won’t be persecuted for loving the not normal and being bullied into solitude.
But I miss the days when I could nerd out with our group, talking about the craziest things at our table. Days when I walk around alone and see people talking with their friends make my heart hurt with want. The want to not be alone in this school, the want for you to be by my side and laugh with me again.
But I can’t wish too hard for the past because the past can always come back to either reminisce or bite you in the ass.
The past would hold you under water as you flailed and scratched but wasn’t let go until they were satisfied knowing that you were a part of their life at some point, leading to your mistake in calling them a friend.
You hide in your mind, screaming but they only smiled, making you listen to their story that has no happy ending.
I became a new person who had evolved from the old me, who was terrified of people. I still get shy when I see people who are way too cool in my class but I hang on. I hang on knowing that it’s okay to be a new person, if and only if, you accept yourself for who you once were and wish for a better self in the future.
How am I doing? I think I’m doing okay, hanging in there.
dreamscape 